My Father is Expecting Me

Confession time. Until recently as long as I was in a church Sunday morning I felt like I did my job. If I was hungover or falling asleep from staying out late the night before, I thought at least I was there.

The last church I was committed to was the Evangelical Lutheran church I attended when my kids were small. After that, years went by and I was too busy struggling to survive to think about going to church on a Sunday morning or any other day of the week.

When I recently got into the Catholic church, I had some adjusting to do. My least favorite thing was going to confession. One confession I thought it would be an easy one because missing mass was the only sin on my soul, but oh no.

“Why did you miss mass?” Father asked.

I didn't really have an excuse; there were just some days that I didn't feel like getting out of bed, for any reason that wasn't a "must."

With "Pearl," Madam Tussauds NYC 2002

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Exodus 20:8

I don’t remember what all he said, but he acted like I had really done something wrong, more so than he had at any other sin I had confessed to him, and there had been some doozies. I thought if this is how you treat me for a simple thing like missing mass how am I supposed to go to you with something that I feel shame about?

The fact I didn’t appreciate was the mass is a "must." I didn’t appreciate what was really happening at the mass and the reverence it is due until I got a book called Receiving Jesus for my five-year-old niece. I was told I would be her godmother and I thought it would make a nice gift to mark the occasion. It explains the mass to children who are new to it, and it really touched my heart.

But seek first the kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be yours as well. Matthew 6:33

It said that Jesus is really present in the eucharist. That’s not just some wafers going on up there, that’s really Him. The book also said “God is so excited to see you.”

This is my Father.

I didn't have a close relationship with my parents growing up, and I'm not really close with my extended family now. Seeing God as my Father, and the fact He not only expects me but is happy to see me in His house when I am there, changed me. It changed the way I approached going to mass itself.

He looks forward to seeing me. He sent His Son to bleed and die for me. Why can’t I spare an hour of my week to go visit?

As far as what to wear: I’m going to visit someone who is special to me, who sees me as special. Why do I want to show up looking like a scrub? When I’m going to visit someone temporal who means something to me, I want to look nice. My clothes aren't particularly fancy, but I put care into how I present myself to Him to show Him that I look forward each week to seeing Him too.

He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. John 6:55

There are times when I take communion and I’m moved almost to tears. I don’t want to do anything to damage my relationship with Him, so if I do screw up during the week I have to go to confession otherwise I feel like I’m being deceitful. I feel it in my heart. It hurts me, the thought of hurting Him.

These days it makes my heart happy to know that people know better than to ask me to stay out late on a Saturday night or to do something on a Sunday morning because they know I’ll be at church. I may still have some doozies to confess from time to time, but I never miss mass if I can help it at all.

As for my niece she’s now six, and still not baptized. I gave the book to my son.