Adventures in Lector-ing

Feeling thankful and blessed about new opportunities finally presenting themselves. Back at the protestant church I used to go to when my kids were little, I did the readings on the steady and it was something I always enjoyed. My biggest lament going to my current church was the lack of opportunities for involvement.

Yes, when I first started going I would run when anybody came near me, but even once I got over that, there was nothing. Finally one morning the priest said the words I didn’t realize I had been waiting to hear.

“If anyone wants to be a lector, please call the church office. We really need people.”

Young and fearless

Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7

In the days after Father made the announcement I made arrangements for a sort of audition. First I read in the chapel where I had been attending daily mass. Then at the church I read again while the Deacon walked around checking for sound.

“Can you read tomorrow at daily mass in the chapel?” he asked me.

Just like that, I was in. And I was terrified.

When I did the reading in chapel, my hands were visibly shaking. Usually it’s me and six other people showing up for daily mass, but that day it seemed like every spot in every pew was occupied.

“Where did all these people come from?” I thought, but I pressed on.

I read a little too fast. Father did say something to me about that afterward, but he was empathetic when I told him that I had been petrified. My “performance” may have been less than perfect but I did it.

It was not so long ago that I spent years of my life in my pajamas, not seeing sunlight for days at a time. Just to go into the church was a big deal and, like I said, it took a while to get used to having people near me at all. Getting up in front of the chapel group to read was both terrifying and exhilarating. After all this time, I was finally finding my place in society again.

Only be strong and of good courage. Joshua 1:18

After reading regularly for a few weeks I got bumped up to Sunday mass. This was a little more involved than reading in the chapel, and a lot more involved than reading in a protestant service like I used to do.

"When do I have to bow?" I asked the Deacon.

"Do you know what you're bowing to?" he asked.

"The box?" I responded, pointing to what he confirmed is the tabernacle.

He was very kind and explained the entire process to me, but I was still extremely nervous. I kept imagining tripping up the step or messing up a line, and the whole place laughing at me.

Then there was Ascension Thursday.

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

I was scheduled to do the first reading, and I had it down. When Father let me know there were no other readers, he asked me if I was okay to do the second reading and the responsorial psalm as well. I hadn't even peaked at either of those, but I was needed, so of course I said yes.

The first reading went fine. When I got to the responsorial psalm, I looked up to acknowledge the congregation and when I looked back down I had completely lost my place. I started reading the second verse and couldn't remember if I had already read it. I stopped reading and went on to the third verse and finished the reading. Nobody said anything to me and I still don't know if I read the second verse one and a half times or not at all. Walking back to my pew I was mortified.

When life went on as usual it was a comfort to me. At daily mass the following morning I redeemed myself with a good reading. Despite a generally disastrous delivery every now and again, my confidence is slowly started to return, and I'm one step closer to feeling like my old self again. It also helps that I carry a bookmark up to the ambo to do the readings from now on.

We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Even after these weeks of getting up in front of the group to read I still get nervous. But it has been such a joy to have this opportunity to serve the church and Our Lord. In the evenings I read over what I will be reading the following morning, and it has just added to my prayer life.

As time goes on I am getting to know people and that allows not only for more opportunities to serve but for fellowship among other believers. These church friends are also there to guide and encourage me which is something I haven't had in a long time.