Walk On

My church friends often offer me rides to and from mass, but unless the weather is really bad I politely decline. Some people may not understand but it is a joy for me just to be able to walk.

In the final year of my second marriage I had given up on life. The bill of goods my husband sold me was "I'll go out and work, and you stay home and enjoy your life." I thought I could finally pursue writing full-time and have the good and happy life I had always dreamed of.

The bill of goods I got, however, was staring out the window with the cat, watching the birds fly from one tree to the other because my cheating husband kept blowing up my phone all day rather than doing his job until he finally got himself fired.

Not only was I not free to pursue any hobbies or goals of my own, but our bills were never paid. We routinely had 10-Day Eviction notices taped to our door. Every night we drank and fought, and that was my life. I didn't want to go back and live with my dad, so I stayed where I was while things got progressively worse.

This is what giving up on life looked like

they are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart; they have become callous and have given themselves up to licentiousness, greedy to practice every kind of uncleanness. Ephesians 4:18

By that time I weighed 200lb. I left the house once a week to go food shopping and buy weed. When we went to the grocery store I had to use a shopping cart like a walker, and if we stopped for longer than a few seconds to contemplate between two items I had to find some place to sit before I felt like I was going to collapse.

Just to take a shower was so exhausting I would have to lay down for half an hour before I had energy back up enough to get dressed. It got to a point where I was only showering two or three times a week. I was just done.

On the days he did go to work and I was finally alone in the apartment I would cry out loud to the Lord, "Please, Lord, help me. I know I messed up. Please, please get me out of this or let me die." I still remember how I was shaking on the day of our wedding. The Holy Spirit had been trying to warn me and I didn't listen. Now it was too late and I was stuck.

If Russ had been a reliable enough partner to keep the bills paid, I probably would have been comfortable enough to let myself continue to decline, and I would be as dead now as he is. Instead the Lord gave me heartburn and a new cat.

I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live. Deuteronomy 30:19

While my husband spent his nights in the living room drunk dialing his friends crying about the love triangle he was fumbling around in, I was waking up in the middle of the night with heartburn so bad I thought one of those nights the Lord would finally give me a reprieve and let me die.

Because of my chronic heartburn I stopped drinking to excess. Instead of drinking six or seven, I cut myself off at two or three. Once I did I recognized his pattern of picking fights with me over stupid little things.

In my own drunken state I had been taking the bait which led to screaming matches till all hours of the night. Recognizing my own part in the problem was enough to maintain relative sobriety. With that I could no longer deny that he was self-destructing, and I had been going along for the ride.

When my cat died, we got Newt. In retrospect I should have just run then, but as it was we got the new kitten, and he shined a new light in my life.

My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. Psalms 121:2

Watching videos on YouTube on how to best care for the cat, the emphasis was on playing with him to keep him happy. I got up with him every morning and rolled a ball across the floor for him to chase. Getting winded immediately I now had a reason to get myself back into shape, at least enough to play with the cat.

When my doctor had told me months prior that my knee and back pain would be alleviated with walking I thought he was crazy. I could barely function let alone go out for walks.

Once I started having to make changes to accommodate my new charge, more YouTube videos taught me that ten minutes a day was all I needed to get myself started. I soon worked myself up to at least thirty minutes a day or more.

When I first started exercising if I laid on the floor, my belly was so big I felt like a seesaw. After several weeks of walking sometimes two miles per day, I didn't look any different, but I felt better. Even though nothing about my circumstances was any less bleak than it had been before I started, my mood also started to improve.

2025

Therefore, if any one is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has passed away, behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17

"Come out and walk with me," I said to Russ one morning. "You'll feel better just like I have been feeling better."

"You go ahead," he replied with a laugh.

He had other things to do with his time that I wouldn't find out about until months after I left. His despondence wasn't going to be cured with exercise.

Once I was able to do more, I was inspired to push myself even further and that was when the weight finally started coming off. I wish I had done more strength training instead of focusing strictly on cardio but, other than that, I have no regrets.

I have mentioned before that I had issues with depression and particularly suicidal ideation. Exercise and prayer reformed not only my appearance but my whole outlook. Every walk I take is a celebration of the ability to be able to do so. I do intend to start driving again eventually, but for now I am doing what I can.

Few things about my circumstances are ideal. It was not my dream when I was a little girl to endure two broken marriages and end up in my dad's basement out in the sticks. But this is the happiest I've ever been in my life.