Confronting My Own Hypocrisy

I never thought I would say this, but although I always considered myself a believer nothing about the way I lived my life implied I was a Christian. I talked a good game. I always had a bible in my car. I gave up stuff for Lent. Most years I even stuck to it.

But I never read the bibles I bought. I got drunk regularly. I was prone to fits of rage. Neither of my marriages were entered into with any thought of what the Lord had to say about it all.

Once I was alone, I knew I had some reflecting to do. Instead of just yammering at God about what I thought was wrong and what I wanted Him to do about it, I went to Him in honest prayer. I was finally ready to listen to what He had to say.

In tears, I prayed to God asking, “Was I really that bad?”

My heart got an earful.

It was all fun and games until it wasn't

I am weary with my moaning; every night I  flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. Psalms 6:6

He walked with me through my memories: When I was too hungover to happily wake up with my kids. When I was short with my friends until they weren’t my friends anymore. When I watched the Exorcist, and I didn’t understand why people thought it was so scary.

“All she’s doing is swearing,” I said.

I saw nothing wrong with the girl who needed an exorcism, because I was the girl who needed an exorcism.

Getting a tattoo (Luke 6:37) in Wildwood, 1996

Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived 1 Corinthians 6:9

Filled with regret, I have done my best to allow the Lord to make my crooked paths straight however He sees fit. Although I still slip up now and again.

Like the time I happened upon the Facebook profile of a former friend of mine. I was shocked, and even a little annoyed, to see professions of this person's Christian faith. Talking about forgiveness of sins, and 'Jesus saves' and all this.

“Is this person kidding me?” I thought to myself.

Immediately I felt conviction in my heart.

It hit me that I was now the Pharisee in the temple next to the tax collector, thinking he was better than everybody else.

Nobody wants to be that guy.

The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week, I give tithes of all that I get.' Luke 16:11

From the time I turned 21 I was a binge drinking maniac. But now that I’ve changed my ways, I couldn't understand why anyone would question my sincerity. Just like I was questioning this other person. I don’t know what’s in this person’s heart any more than anybody knows what is in mine.

All they have to do repent is to stop sinning. Who was I to say that they hadn't?

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Matthew 7:3

I know this person has been through a lot of pain and suffered a lot of losses. They have made many of the same mistakes I have made. I don’t know if they regret their mistakes or if they are still making them, and that is none of my business.

The bible tells us to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12), to essentially run our own race.

All I can say is forgive me Lord for I have sinned.

Again.